Instead of turning to professional help, I sought food. A large pizza and chocolate milkshake make me feel good! Lol at least temporarily until it all finally hits your brain and you are disgusted with yourself. And then the awesome cycle of self-hate continues on. I am not trying to come across as negative nancy now! Social media has become something we call "social" when it's the exact opposite. It's more isolating now than ever. I "liked" your status about getting a new job or maybe that you're having a rough day. Did I pick up a phone to call? No. We feel like we did something by responding. I'm forever thankful for my best friend and soul sister Jennie Miles who has spent every day with me since Sunday. She's made sure I'm never alone, even when I wanted to be!
Yes I've gained almost 30 pounds, I feel horrible, I have zero energy and I feel like I've let down everyone who follows me. I'm a fake, a fraud. I've been holding in things that have had no business being held onto. I should have reached out sooner but I realize as women, mothers, nurses, coaches etc, we don't want to be seen as weak. Part of our job description is staying strong, holding it all together... That's fine until we stop taking care of ourselves. I thought I could get away with the bad habits, which we all can for awhile, but then it catches up with you. Your body can only take abuse for so long before its unable to give anymore. And Sunday my body gave out.
I screamed at Jennie and my family for cornering me. I hated them for even trying to help. I mean I didn't need help! Obviously life was going great <-- sarcasm. I was depressed, angry, and completely overwhelmed. After she refused to let go of me (several hours), I finally began to cry, to release the pain, to surrender. She spoke encouraging words over me, read quotes from the Bible, hasn't stopped loving on me. I am so undeserving of a friend this wonderful. I know it's through God's grace that she was perfectly placed in my life almost 13 years ago.
Now that I've spilled my insides, and accepted it, I will take responsibility for it to move forward. My body, spirit, soul need some major TLC. For the first time, I didn't beat myself up over taking a nap on a beautiful day yesterday. Yes I could have been outside playing with my family, but I was exhausted and I'm learning to listen more closely. You have to do what is right for yourself even if that means allowing people to love on you and see you at your worst.
I vowed to recommit my life to God, my family and most importantly, myself. I know I'm not going to just drop all this weight I picked back up but I'm certainly not going to beat myself up over getting fast food one night because I've had a very long day. I will continue to make the best choices possible for me at any moment. It's called falling in love with yourself.
I share because I want something good to come from my experiences and use this platform as a way to accomplish that mission. People make comments about over sharing your personal life on fb but what's the point if we only share funny or cute videos...? How is that bettering our lives?! Maybe this is my God-given mission field to serve? I really don't care what anyone thinks about me and if they do, that's what an unfollow button is for 😊.
So... Starting fresh Monday with a new challenge group and renewed energy. This will still be fitness/nutrition focused, but more self-love and personal development. If you'd like to join us, I'm not turning anyone away. You simply choose a workout program to do at home and your flavor of shakeology to drink. Then we're all going to do this together 🙌🏼😊 And because it's not about the money, if you order today I'll send you a $20 gift card to Target. I want us to change lives. Today is the best time to start. Love you all!! Thank you for supporting me on this crazy journey 😉💜
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